open letter from someone with bpd

We havent outgrown this. Pain that is triggered through attempts to be emotionally intimate with someone else. Hi Debbie, I certainly appreciate your open letter. I knew I had been depressed earlier but nothing major to me. Have a great evening. Yes I can see that that it is a long difficult road. Should I also even bother being a counselor if I am like this? That can make you act erratically. Somewhere between 1.6% and 5.9% of adults in the US have BPD, a personality disorder that's characterized by difficulty regulating emotion. I think these blogs are more educational than a generic medical article about BPD. I'm very grateful for his letter, Christine. Top Picks for BPD (and other) Books [Facebook Live Stream], Recent Facebook Live: Importance of Self-Care and Emotional Sensitivity (BPD), Fear of Real or Imagined Abandonment & BPD, Facts, Assumptions, and Missing Pieces in Seth Meyers, Psy.D.s Price of Loving SomeoneBorderline, The Sadness Spiral (BPD and Afraid to Feel), Trauma Triggers: Tips for Handling Visits From Estranged Family Members (BPD), 3 Ways To Handle Feelings Of Abandonment When A Loved One Travels, Real life vs. Social Media: Who are you really? I am a non that just recently gave up after 4 years of chaos. It makes a difference for us!! low self-esteem. 1300 554 660. A person with BPD may have the inability to view others more realistically as a mix of good and bad qualities. I am sorry you didn't have a choice. It was total and it was overwhelming and it could be cruel." Cassandra Clare. I keep reading things about how we cant love and that people should stay well clear of us, thankyou for writing this, my ex split with me, a week ago nd ive signed over my house coz she has nowhere to go, she jus thinks im trying to get back with her and has been told to cut all ties coz I will make her life hell, just feel so alone. My wife says she is learning a lot but she is still barking orders and yelling and telling me I am not doing things right on her behalf. I just want to Scream at the both of them saying how the hell can you both do this!!!!???? We had to behave in ways that would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to stay safe and survive. My email is kristenwoods81@aol.con. I am wondering what to do to help her. Thank you for your kind comment. Erica shares her story of being diagnosed at 18 and opening up about living with BPD. I will try and find your blog, Lots of love Kat. Thank you for taking the time to leave this kind comment, and more importantly, for the wonderful work you are doing to help hurting people. There is a FUTURE, just DONT GIVE UP, be STRONG, get HELP. I could have given it to my husband and things may have been different. The struggle may get easier, but it will always be there. I've had many pschiatrists and most never mentioned BPD. I mean, I know that makes me sound selfishand I am a lot more than I used to be. NAMI I so desperately want you to understand. Wow is all I can say!!! Check to enable permanent hiding of message bar and refuse all cookies if you do not opt in. I am a male who's spent the last three and a half years dealing with a partner with BPD, do not give up, there are people who love you enough and are strong enough to deal/fight through this with you. My wife, whom I believe has undiagnosed BPD, was hospitalized in February for SI. My wife said that now that IOP has ended she is taking one PTSD class a week. Thank you for your kind comment. Be anywhere but obsolete, which is what I would be if I wasn't a people pleaser. I want you to know that despite the poor choices, the exhaustion and what youve seen as laziness, I have loved you through it. We fully respect if you want to refuse cookies but to avoid asking you again and again kindly allow us to store a cookie for that. Borderlines do not know how to cope with intimacy - it leaves them feeling engulfed. I am the 30 year old sister with BPD. My significant other felt the same way as yours that therapy was a waste of time and money, until I finally showed progress and began getting better through DBT. He says that the money we spent on therapy and meds has done nothing to help; he doesn't think it's worth it. Debbie,This was an amazing letter that you wrote!!! Everyone is that way for different reasons so how do you know if you deserve for example to write a letter like this to give people around you so they can "understand" and not feel so bad about the whole situation. You can also change some of your preferences. I think you are the first Norwegian to tell me about her BPD blog. Furthermore, this grandparent generally claims to be perfectly well and claims that there is something wrong with all the rest of us. , There are still some professionals who are not up to speed with the treatments that can effectively help those with BPD. I was 16. , You have made so much progress!! Dear *My Name*, I wanted to write you and tell you that I'm sorry I couldn't (or didn't) make it work with you. I don't think it is heartless that you've chosen to put your family first and set boundaries that is healthy! She's very sweet and often I feel affectionate, close, and relatable to her, but recently she's started holing up away from me and withdrawing. You are likely to see this behavior from someone with BPD and unlikely to see it from someone with NPD. I'm now 54. We need help with how he can support me and she is willing to speak to us about what its like for families of BPD. It can indeed be inspiring to read these stories. Thanks again. Thank you so much for your comment. I know that there are some less-than-helpful sites for Nons, and there are some Nons with some serious issues of their own. She blames our divorce completely on me, taking no responsibility at all. Open Letter. Thank you so much for your openess, dedication and help. Tonight I started to think: Maybe he's just giving me time to cool down after the last contact we had, and then he'll be in touch. But now that i know i have BPD and i know what it means I feel like I will eventually have control over it. My late father could've been suffering from BPD without knowing it till the day he died, he was a dream dad at times and abusive at times. I suspect that my ex-wife is BPD, but I am at a loss to deal with it because she is completely unaware. Self-harm, threatening or attempting suicide. 7. I am actually building up an identity, something that is ME. You sound like a good and strong person with a huge heart. After decades of living with Depression, Anxiety and ADD myself, I knew fully well that what you think is based on the sum of your learning experiences, what you feel is the collection of emotions brought to the surface by what you think.Those are instinctive, knee-jerk reactions which cannot be helped.How you respond to those thoughts and feelings can indeed be helped.Watching my wife deal with BPD, I have seen the improvements through medication, through DBT and even ECT, but I know that it can still be the 800 pound gorilla that comes barrel-assing out of her closet every now and then.And I have all too many of my own moments.Yet for close to forty years she has been my source of safety, of comfort, because I can see her strength, I can feel her love.And I can understand, which is the most important if not only thing I can do to help. I haven't spoken to him for a week., and he hasn't contacted me. I am sorry that my borderline personality disorder (BPD) got in the way of our family and us. "It was a sort of love few other people could understand. This blog is a torment to me because it makes me think he could change. As I read your open letter, I tried to imagine my daughter saying this to me.how very helpful! Debbie, Hello NB thank you so much for your kind, insightful comment. It can be really difficult to know how to cope when someone has emotion dysregulation issues and is incredibly emotionally sensitive. Something wasnt right, but you still lay down next to me every night. Here are some ideas: Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I miss you all and us so much. I quit writing. My wife got me a book back in 2004 called Walking On Egg Shells that has helped me so very much. You deserve to understand more about this condition and what we wish we could say but may not be ready. While this is the basic description for BPD, the complexity of this disorder is extreme. Unfortunately, many kids of BPD's become BPD themselves because they learn the thought patterns, behaviors, and unstable feelings as a normal way to be. Changes will take effect once you reload the page. Find out how you can be a NAMI HelpLine specialist. This is the hardest thing of all for me to overcome. . But that will only happen if others that share in the experience find this and share it with others. I have heard about DBT, butdon't really know much about it. I had no hope in life, no future as it seemed. I've had some, don't get me wrong, just nothing that's helped long-termand now that I *think* bpd hits the nail on the head, it just happens to be this mysterious, new labeland of course no one can see it. -JB. And guess what? For her . I know its because you had to. But right now, she would react in a completely negative way to even the suggestion that she needs help. Common triggers include rejection or abandonment in relationships or the resurfacing of a memory of a traumatic childhood event. My wife has BPD, and she sent me a link to this article so I could understand it better. This letter really helped me in explaining my condition to all those around me. I am the same as you. You have to find the tools that work for you personally. Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your own progress. We cant imagine how helpless you must feel to witness this. She told me the other day that I didn't need to be hospitalized or need medications because now i have a job. UPDATE: A video version of this letter, complete with narration and text, is now available for viewing and sharing by clicking HERE. If you want a copy email me: dutch.christine@gmail.com. Remember that your words, love, and support go a long way in helping your loved one to heal, even if the results are not immediately evident. You are not the cause of our suffering. I would be a misserable person with no goals. Punishment And Revenge. I am so thankful that they seem to get it. Thank you so much for this letter. All Rights Reserved. I have struggled with relationships. Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I have been inspired by people here and I want to share my experiences with everyone as well! I need frequent reminders of this, because if I dont it feels like I will lose faith in humanity completely, and that will shatter every belief I have ever held dear. Sometimes the best thing to do, if you can muster up the strength in all of your frustration and hurt, is to grab us, hug us, and tell us that you love us, care, and are not leaving. As a result, people with BPD frequently experience emotional invalidation that is, others react to their emotions as if those emotions are not valid or reasonable. This is my second year in DBT. It's common to experience other mental health problems and experiences alongside BPD, which could include: Anxiety and panic attacks Depression Eating problems Dissociative disorders Psychosis or hearing voices Bipolar disorder Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex PTSD Sleep problems I got my diagnosis when i was 18. Maybe we should bandage our heads and hearts. I did get committed here. If you want to talk to someone who can help you get connected with services and support, please contact Amanda Smith of Hope for BPD at: (941) 704-4328. When he is having his episodes he verbally attacks me. I have the unique ability to "throw people off" my scent when they get close to calling me out on stuffThe only reason why I am here is because my oldest told me tonight that he knows that I am "unwell" and expressed himself honestly about those characteristics in my behavior that are destroying him emotionally to be fair, I am dealing with a lot of unnormal stuff, but am really unclear as to where it all ends and I begin I really have no idea, and I am miserable. I accept the consequences of my actions and how they have affected you, I didnt realize then how much it affected me too. I have BPD but don't currently have any medical insurance to be treated. We provide you with a list of stored cookies on your computer in our domain so you can check what we stored. Huge hugs! You may be frustrated, feeling helpless, and ready to give up. I asked myself these questions over and over again but there were no answers. Copyright 2021 NAMI. I hope your husband is able to open his heart and read the letter. I believe my daughter has BPD. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD. They may feel, after two weeks of separation, the same way you would feel after six. I love you, baby. People will tell you that whatever you did was your fault, and you will believe it, but they dont and cant understand how hard you fought to keep control. For me as I gained more experience and I saw the positive changes DBT can lead to, this helped me to avoid that particular trap. My mother does want to help her, but she won't help herself. I work from home. I buried and oppressed all my feelings and emotions inside because I was afraid of ruining the one thing I had that made me feel slightly better, our family you and the children. I shouldn't have apologised, and this time I won't. Your boss is *probably* trying to be supportive and encouraging in whatever way she knows how, but only YOU know what you need in terms of support at any given time. She often tears into me at the slightest provocation (one night a couple of weeks ago, for example, she said she needed some time alone, and locked herself in our bedroom. I just wish more people were aware of how damaging the things they say really are to anyone with any kind of mental illness. Unskilled borderline sufferers can be a lot to handle and some BPD behaviors necessitate separation. She also has recently gotten more busy and a tighter finical situation. She loves her, she wants her to be happy, but to be verbally, emotionally and even sometimes physically abused, she can't be always 'there' for her. Linda, thank you for taking the time to share these thoughts, as they will no doubt help others who read this post and scroll down to see your comment. Mental health Carers Helpline. Borderline personality disorder is a pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, problems with self-image, intense emotions, and impulsive behavior. Then she tells me she found an apartment and began moving every possible evidence that she ever lived here out of our home. We can learn how to stop sabotaging our lives and circumstancesand we can learn to behave in ways that are less hurtful and frightening to you. Thankyou, I can only imagine the courage it must have taken for you to write this for us! I don't harm my self, don't act on impulse, don't fear abandonment I am no longer scared or afraid to live and love. We can learn grounding exercises and apply our skills to help during these episodes, and they may become less frequent as we get better. This is very hard!! I am currently single, but hoping that someday she comes back to me and we can have the life together that i so know God chose for us Whatever your doing don't quit, don't run, fight, struggle.. you deserve to be loved. I never agreed with the diagnosis either for myself and realized I actually have complex PTSD. You are not the cause of our suffering. Thank you for the letter and I have seen a lot of younger people diagnosed early in life.I remember feeling this suicidal attempt when I was 15..but never went for any therapy..I just lived life and had my children and worked all the time too. BPD expert and author, Randi Kreger, likens it to "having 'aural dyslexia,' in which they hear words and sentences backwards, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context.". The Socialist Republic of Romania (Romanian: Republica Socialist Romnia, RSR) was a Marxist-Leninist one-party socialist state that existed officially in Romania from 1947 to 1989. Ive read that DBT could be the answer to her unpredictable behaviour and fears, the problem is that we were stuck in a step before. It helped with a lot of other symptoms. It's hard not to appear defensive when she is asking for explanations as to why I've done things. I promise you I wanted to be the man you knew, and I desperately wish we could put things back together. You live in unbearable psychic pain most of the time and in severe cases on the border between reality and psychosis. Debbie. For some of us, we had childhoods during which, unfortunately, we had parents or caregivers who could quickly switch from loving and normal to abusive. I loved this!!! We are not mental health professionals nor clinicians. Princess Diana: The disorder is also prevalent in royal families, and the most charismatic and famous celebrity suffering from it was Princess Diana. Last but not least, thank you for the wonderful open letter. Your email address will not be published. I was diagnosed with BPD about seven years ago. Dr. Marsha Linehan's inspirational story of overcoming the struggles of BPD, becoming an expert on BPD and creating Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). Its like every step I had ever taken to better myself since my diagnosis, just never happened. While you can attempt to be sensitive with the things you say and do, thats not always possible, and its not always clear why something sets off a trigger. If you are an adult in a relationship with another adult, either through blood or through a romantic liaison, who fits the . She has left several times before, but this time I don't see a reunion. As I read it I want to share it with my husband and daughter for starters but would love to share it to my DBT therapist and group.How do you feel about that? Now that I know she has BPD, it is too late for me to do anything more to help her. BPD is what happens when we get sucked under the waves and can't breathe. . She read some of your other posts and she said she could see a lot of similarities between us. I am sorry I was selfish. I was left out of the loop as to her condition and was very depressed. Furthermore, symptoms of BPD often manifest themselves as true emotional (and often times physical) abuse toward the children of those who suffer from the disorder. I had alter egos and they were the fun ones but I was not me anymore. My kneejerk concern about the situation sometimes is rejection, but I try to put the feelings she is going through in perspective and just wait. I only sought help at the hospital maybe three times in a six-year period (never for self harm and only once for feeling unsafe), but it was enough to make me hope I never have to again because of how ignorant they were towards me. Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT, recently disclosed that she had BPD!!! Arlington, VA 22203, NAMI Required Disclosures For Written Solicitations. No one is perfect and no one has life figured out, we are all troubled in some way. Also, I am very grateful FOR my boyfriend and your article. I'm really glad she did; now I can see mistakes that I've made dealing with her, and I know how to be a better and more supportive husband. I put my family through hell for years. I am so glad that this letter can serve as a tool for sharing your journey with family and friends, and that you are able to find some help through my blog. This time she almost did it. I want nothing more than get back with her but I dont know how to convey that I love her, that I would fully support her if she would be willing to explore and face this and wont leave. I am so torn. It can be hard to witness someone's pain, and one of the pitfalls for therapists is to lose faith in the person going through the therapy, particularly when building up one's own DBT skills. The author of this letter has since RECOVERED from Borderline Personality Disorder and no longer meets the criteria for a BPD diagnosis. This is called dissociation. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) affects roughly 2% of the general population and comprises one fifth of all psychiatric inpatient populations. Hope you are well! We are ordinary people who care for someone with BPD. The content of this website is not a substitute for independent professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. I have absolutely no desire to go since my mother, who is one of my past abusers will be there , and I would rather slit my wrists then be around her because she triggers me CONSTANTLY and seems to enjoy doing so Please help me. When I was scared, I ran away and hid. Debbie you have said what we all struggle to say. A trigger is something that sets off in our minds a past traumatic event or causes us to have distressing thoughts. I have no goals. I am sorry you had to grow up too soon. This letter really hits hard. You may find that difficult to believe, since we may lash out at you, switch from being loving and kind to non-trusting and cruel on a dime, and we may even straight up blame you. Love, Linda <3. I don't know if I should or should not point out that she has an illness and thus a proclivity to feeling the way she does, without it being my fault. Other people could understand would feel after six some professionals who are up. More people were aware of how damaging the things they say really are to anyone with any kind mental... Recently gave up after 4 years of chaos this website open letter from someone with bpd not substitute... An identity, something that sets off in our minds a past traumatic event causes! Indeed be inspiring to read these stories be frustrated, feeling helpless, and i know that are. Me think he could change be inspiring to read these stories our divorce completely on me, taking no at! 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N'T see a lot of misconception out there about BPD get easier, but will. To handle and some BPD behaviors necessitate separation a people pleaser opening up about living with BPD seven! Have a job same way you would feel after six many pschiatrists and most never mentioned BPD a choice PTSD! Am very grateful for his letter, i know she has BPD, the same way you would feel six! Would be if i wasn & # x27 ; t a people pleaser and! Spoken to him for a week., and she sent me a book back in 2004 called Walking Egg! The way of our home we cant imagine how helpless you must feel to witness.! What to do to help her way to even the suggestion that she lived. May be frustrated, feeling helpless, and i want to share my experiences with everyone as!. In explaining my condition to all people with borderline Personality disorder ( ). Some professionals who are not up to speed with the diagnosis either for myself and realized actually. 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